Friday, March 13, 2009

the living daylights.

every year daylight savings kicks my butt.
this year is no exception
sunday night: 5 hours
tues: 6
wed: 8
thru: 5
average: 6.2 hours per night (and that's just the last time I looked at the clock, I probably got 20-40 minutes less actual sleep).
This morning my emotions were just under the surface, I feel like a moody teenager.
8 shots of espresso have things under control for now, but I need some sleep.
Training this week has been all on the mat:
wednesday more triangles, and some sparring. Felt good, but was working with a bigger but less experienced player.
thursday: wrestling: I went through the warm-ups, and without anyone in my weight class to work with one of the coaches took pity on me and drilled with me a bit. We worked some semi-live takedowns . He's much better than me on the feet (no surprise). Good dude even if he is a jayhawker. He's signed up for jiu-jitsu and is into it. We talked about translating some of the wrestling stand-up to bjj. I could tell that the head coach was a little annoyed at all the chatting, so I decided to leave a little early before I got un-invited to return.
Got a good amount of work in... I need a lot more. For a bjj guy I'm a good wrestler, for a wrestler I've got good jitz... but that's never been good enough for me.
I want to be good.
Sometimes I worry that I've never been exceptional at any thing. Sometimes I wonder if I stand in my own way.. sometimes I wonder if my standards are too high, and my patience is not enough.
How good would be good enough?
Am I the only one who constantly questions their own efforts in every area of their life?
Is it warrented?
is it a good thing?
I guess it doesn't matter, because I don't know any other way to think of myself.
I have to be better..
One of my favorite books growing up was The Jungle. It's an ugly tale of working class Chicago. The lead male protagonist's mantra has been mine since I read that book:
"I will work harder."

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