Knee

Saturday, I screwed my knee. I attempted a sweep from open guard, my femur went one way, my Tib/fib went the other and it just stuck there, out of joint. I cannot explain how much it hurt. I gently put it back in place (at least mostly). I was able to walk on it, though it was pretty uncomfortable. Range of motion is a 'use it or lose it' proposition especially after injury like this, so I kept working the range of motion. Monday afternoon I was on my couch passively flexing my knee, when there was a POP and I felt the knee shift. Apparently it wasn't quite back in. Now it feels reasonably good. I have no idea if the laxity in that knee came from torn ligaments, or if they are just sprained and stretched. I'm not going to risk a major blow out either way. No rolling till after I get it checked out. Some light work in the gym with very little knee flexion/extension. I will update you folks more when I get it checked.
I am dreading facing down a knee operation at 38, and with two small kids. My jiu jitsu training was going really well. My body was functioning great. I was entertaining ideas of competing again..  Hopefully this is just a small setback and not a sidetrack. I don't want to have to sit on my butt for 6 months. Ugh. There isn't much swelling, and really very little pain (once I got the damn thing back in place) so I'm trying to keep my head in the game, don't panic you don't know what's going on in there, might be nothing. It is hard though. I know what is involved with surgery. Months of rehab. Months of training around that knee. Mat rust, time away from the family. A knee you never really trust again. I don't want to go through all that. I hate it. I hate that my body is so unreliable. Made of such flimsy materials. I hate that I can't count on it to train and train and train. Mentally I am a machine, but human flesh and anatomy are finite. It breaks, it breaks down, it dies. Facing the facts, its complicated, its emotional and quite frankly I don't like it.

Mahalo.